I just want to begin by congratulating you.
You made it through this year! This year has been more than just another year on the calendar, but a year of fast change. Fast change, which brought: fear, misunderstanding, and worry to many, but also love, acceptance, and hope to others.
Regardless, these feelings came on suddenly. These feeling not only overwhelmed us, but demanded our full attention. We all had to act quickly, and often, intuitively. So, congratulations on making it through, because many have not. Congratulations on continuing on.
No matter how slowly you may feel you are moving, you are moving…and that is a blessing.
It was the latter months of the year, September and on, where I noticed the greatest amount of change and commotion. It was where I encountered a very real, and often times, scary sensation of groundlessness.
Groundlessness sounds as if it’s a term of anxiety, confusion, and fear…but as I’ve made it through this year, I’ve begun to associate groundlessness as an important aspect to becoming grounded.
It’s learning to lean into our fears and anxieties.
It’s learning to appreciate our falls.
It’s learning, without support.
Leaning; rather than running.
The end of September marks the beginning of this vast change, and mid-December marks the ending of the crazed phase of my life. I was lucky enough to be enrolled in a Yoga Teacher Training, which looking back on it now, was one of the only outlets I had to this sensation of groundlessness. Before Yoga even began, I had moved to a new city (and by moved, I mean relocated to the other side of the country), ended a long-term relationship with a man I truly loved, and just turned 21.
My journey was just beginning. In fact, my past feels like a distant memory. Faded and grainy. The things I learned through this fresh break-up, and my YTT, lifted me from a sleepless coma. I felt newly awakened. I just felt, new.
It was a beginning that led to an intimate re-self-discovery. It was not easy, and it is not over. Though, it is beautiful.
As my teacher training came to a close, I felt a nervous twinge slowly beginning to grow within me. At the time, I had thought it was an excited-nervousness. You know the feeling. It was actually a warning. Though YTT taught me a lot, it also uncovered and unearthed wounds that weren’t healing and any, and all, imbalances in my life.
This sensation was telling me that change, like I’ve never known before, was about to turn my world upside down.
Before I knew it, the beautiful rug, of new found opportunity and a new found self, was snatched from under my feet as the ground crumbled underneath my shaking legs. I was a weightless body floating in this world; groundless; fearful. Gravity had no hold on me. If you had asked me what Gravity was, I would’ve looked through you with eyes void of understanding.
I was changing.
A metamorphism; with no one here (family or boyfriend) to tell me who to be, what to be, or hold me to the things I was in the past, anything was possible. My old self was hell-bent on allowing me to accept this shedding of metaphysical skin. With this yearning to transform and understand who I was, also came an overwhelming sense of fear that captivated my being.
Anything was a possible.
Fear had convinced me of my insanity, by using what I love most against me, meditation. Meditation was no longer a moment of peace, but a stationary moment of caution. I was paranoid, mistrusting of spirituality, and most of all, mistrusting of what was dormant within. Dark and light.
I was scared of what was inside of me, to the point I sacrificed those once rewarding introspective moments, for distraction.I was scared to close my eyes; scared to listen. My mind was playing tricks on me. Talking to me, guiding me, and watching me. I led myself into the hedge maze of my own head, where I would remain stuck for weeks; yet it felt like an eternity.
“The mind can be a beautiful place of inspiration, but a horrifying place to dwell.”-Tamara Wright
I’ve never heard truer words in my life, granted I’m only 21, but still. The mind is more than a beautiful tool, it is a very real aspect of our reality. When it is yourself who controls it, inspiration and beauty spark forth, but when it is you who are controlled by it, destruction and decay formulate. In this moment of chaos I was unable to take care of my physical body, which made my mentally and emotionally worlds difficult.
Reality seemed strange. Whether awake, or sleeping, I couldn’t distinguish reality. It was all because I ran. I ran from fear.
Life in 2016 was crazy, to say the least. It forced radical change on us all to create balance. Life has a very real, and incredible way at creating. This year, life just wanted us all to act. Act on our intuition. Accept and adjust. The risk that came with running from these new personal, interpersonal, and global transformations, was stagnation and elimination. Life has a very real way of eliminating those who don’t wish to adapt. It was a hard year for many, but it was an experience.
With all experiences and journeys come beautiful life lessons:
- Leaning and accepting change and transformation is apart of the cyclic cycle of life.
- Change is the only constant I’ve found so far.
- Feeling and thoughts are just as real as the physical reality.
Groundlessness is just another aspect of the journey. How can one be grounded, if one has never known it was without? Change is an aspect of life that is natural, it is like the leaves in the spring and the leaves in the fall; growing, changing, wilting, falling. It is truth.
Truth which helps you unlock the mystery’s of this experience.
I challenge you all to sit down before the end of January and write out the lessons and accomplishments you have experienced this past year. No mater how hard and difficult, or easy and fruitful, there is always something to be grateful for.
It was a crazy year. Accept, learn, and let go. 2017 is here and it will be just as full.